Hello, blog land!

Day two of my commitment to blogging. And I'm already feeling the pressure and difficulty in figuring out what to post. Good start, huh. But here we go.

If you read my first post, then you have my back story. At least the vital parts. There's a bunch of small, but still important, parts I left out. Otherwise the first post would've been twice the size. Parts like friends, family, guys (the few of them that made an appearance) and general life stuff. Some I may talk about, some I may not.

It's actually kind of daunting, and liberating at the same time, to lay your life out there for everyone to read. But I guess this is as much a self-discovery as it is story telling.

Being back at my mom's place makes me feel like I'm a teenager again. But at the same time, it also makes me feel a hundred years old. I feel like only two seconds have passed, since I lived here last and I feel like it was a lifetime ago. I have to catch myself before I turn back into teenage!Maria, who hid out in her room and got angry over the tiniest things. I'm not a teenager anymore. I still act that way sometimes though. And I regret it the second I do. I'm a work in progress, you guys. As we all are. But I'm trying. I really am.

The most important thing, I've always wanted, is to make my parents proud of me. My self-esteem is very, very low and I think I've been craving their approval for most my life. Which has both hindered and benefited me. I think I've let it control me subconsciously, but also very consciously.

Ah, this is getting deep. I'm so sorry. I guess I'm just in that mood today. Hang in there with me. It'll pass.

But yes. Parents. It is a tough subject, isn't it? Maybe not for some, but I feel like everyone has their own 'thing' with their parents. We're all a by product of them, whether we like it or not.

Living with my mom again has really made me think about my relationship with her. She drives me crazy, she has her quirks and sometimes I just want to shake her. I really do. But she's also a by product of her parents. She has her own past, which has formed her for good and for worse.

I guess the most important thing is, that she always wants what's best for me. She wants to see me happy. She's told me that she's happy, when I'm happy. And that is a huge pressure, I'm not going to lie. And I've told her that. I can't be responsible for her happiness. But what I can do is try my best to be happy. I mean, who doesn't want to be happy? And if she benefits from that too, well, that's just a perk.

I do want my mom to be happy. I think, I just need to start thinking more about what will make me happy and not what I can do to make her happy. Because all she wants is for me to be happy. And then we both win.

Parents! Know what I mean? And I think I've used up my quota of the word 'happy' in this post for at least 24 hours.

Until tomorrow,

BYE!